You may want to become a parent and decide not to for a variety of reasons. The goal is to know your truth about each of them. ItвЂ™s important to know that a personвЂ™s desire and decision are not always the same, nor is the goal for them to be the same. The result is gridlock in your mind, and you cannot think your way out. The second thing I impress on my clients is that the main reason they feel stuck, no matter their circumstance, is because theyвЂ™re trying to figure out what they want (their heartвЂ™s desire about parenthood) and what theyвЂ™re going to do about it (make a decision) at the same time. In my opinion, if everyone paused and pondered whether or not motherhood or fatherhood was for them - no matter how certain or uncertain they felt about the answer - the experience they would have of coming to an ultimate decision would feel more expansive and have fewer fears attached to it. Making a conscious decision only after knowing what you want and why you want it is what real freedom is all about.

ItвЂ™s wonderful when that happens, but chance is not the path to a fulfilled life. Of course, many stumble into a situation one way or the other: There are those who donвЂ™t want to be parents but end up loving the experience, and those who want children but never find themselves having them and love that experience as well. No one can tell you whatвЂ™s right for you, yet society, family, and your own assumptions continue to influence these decisions and sometimes even demand a particular choice. The first thing I try to make very clear to all of my clients is that deciding to have children, raise children, or live a child-free life is a journey thatвЂ™s unique to each person making those decisions. Many assume that a time will come for each of us, at which point weвЂ™ll вЂњjust know.вЂќ Even though that is the case for some, itвЂ™s a myth to think itвЂ™s that way for everyone.

But when a decision is made from a place of desire, joy, or clarity, the experience is quite different. Operating on fear is a lonely, excruciating process that leaves many immobilized. From desperation, they have to make a decision. Some people donвЂ™t realize theyвЂ™re ambivalent because theyвЂ™ve walked around with an assumption of either, вЂњOf course, IвЂ™ll have kids one day,вЂќ or, вЂњIвЂ™m never going to have kids.вЂќ Then one day, the decision has to be made due to age or time or a relationship is about to end or begin over this issue. The sad truth is that most people who reach out to me have struggled with this decision for 10, 15, 20 years. This can add another layer of shame because it can often seem like everyone else came to their decision with ease. But for many people, itвЂ™s hard to know what they really want. While the burgeoning child-free movement rejects this notion, as it should, the loudest voices from that group tend to articulate an assured decision to be child-free. ThatвЂ™s because we, unfortunately, live in a pronatalist world where the unspoken message is that everyone should want children and should have them, the end. Our society allows little room for ambivalence around this topic. I let them know immediately: TheyвЂ™re not the only one. Most people who contact me say they feel like theyвЂ™re the only one who canвЂ™t decide. Our goal is to help people make possibly the biggest decision of their lives: whether or not they want to become a parent. People just out of a relationship and people just starting a relationship. IвЂ™ve been doing this for 30 years and have seen more clients than I can count of all stripes - men, women, single, married, and partnered people. IвЂ™m a therapist who has dedicated my life to helping people figure out if they want to have children. This is just a sample of the questions, fears, and concerns I hear all the time from my clients. вЂњI need some peace and clarity from the torture of sitting on the fence for too long.вЂќ вЂњIвЂ™ve always wanted to have a baby, but is it even ethical, knowing the environmental and political climate?вЂќ вЂњIвЂ™m afraid of losing my identity, freedom, and comfort if I have children. вЂњIвЂ™m afraid of losing my partner because he wants kids, and I donвЂ™t know what I want.

Baby you should be here